"I pulled you over for Speeding. Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

Regardless of what you ride, even if you don't ride at all, EVERYONE is welcome here.

Mr. Motorcycle

I am

My photo
I live at 1 Frozen place in, Minnesota, United States
My real name is Mark. For many years now my wife has called me Mr. Motorcycle. When I started my Blog I was looking for a catchy blog name, so I went with it. I'm happily married and I'm also a father of 6 children. I have two human offspring, one dog, two cats and one custom Harley. I believe that makes 6 children. When I'm not doing my real full time job, or going for a ride, I like to do art, custom paint jobs, and of course BLOG. If you would like to contact me, my e-mail address is phonetically spelled for avoiding spammers. (I actually do use the number 1 in the beginning.) 1mrmotorcycleATgmailDOTcom

*****This is my Bliss*****

*****This is my Bliss*****
Depending on your settings, Click, or Double Click on the image for full size photo.
The photo above is my ride :
"Kenny" started life as a stock '97, 883 Sportster. It's been a work in progress since the day I bought it many years ago. Its mostly custom with a built, "slightly juiced up" 1200 motor.
The Metal Fabrication, bodywork and custom paint was done by me.

How the Hell did I come up with a name like Kenny for my bike you ask?...... Most people who name their rides, go with chick names. I of course had to be different. I think bikes look tough, cool and masculine; not feminine. Plus, my father "Ken" has helped make me who I am today. Therefore with a little twist on the name, my bike was named "Kenny".

KUSTUM PAINT

KUSTUM PAINT
Come check out my custom paint! Click on the logo above to go to my custom paint blog.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Put what ever it is you may be drinking down before reading this.

This is the funniest thing I've read in a long while. I've never had a colonoscopy, but I knw my time will come.

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'


I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.


I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.


The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off

your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.


MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep , at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.


After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.


At the
clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.


Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.


When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.


'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.


I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...


Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:




1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!




2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'




3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'




4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'




5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'




6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'




7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'




8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'




9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!




10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'




11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'




12. 'God, now
I know why I am not gay.'



And the best one of all.




13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

10 comments:

FLHX_Dave said...

I'm roll'in here. This was exactly what the doctor ordered for today! LOL!

Whew! I'm laughing because I had to have one of these things done, but they did me from both ends. At different times thankfully. (colonoscopy and endoscopy) I was in a threesome I wasn't ready for!

Funny, but this writer is just stating the facts. I woke up in the middle of it all and looked up at the monitor they were watching and said: "Whoa! This is just like watching the discovery channel!" All I got was a laugh from the female nurse who promptly doped me up some more and that's all I remember.

Funny Mr.M

Baron's Life said...

Funny...ROTFLMFAO
This guy is very good.
Thanks for sharing this story

Mella said...

I haven't even finished reading it yet, but had to stop to comment.

The words "nuclear laxative" have got to be the BEST THING EVER blogged.

Seriously.

"Joker" said...

As a man I know most of us take unusual pride in the performance of our bowels. I once worked with a guy who carved a notch in the stall door every Monday morning during football season. My wife doesn't understand it. No wife probably wants to, and I can't say I blame 'em. This certainly isn't gonna help our case any...but it was pretty damned funny!

B.B. said...

Too funny! I have had a colonoscopy, and I can tell you the nuclear laxative is sadly and painfully accurate.

TRT said...

That is funny stuff, hopefully I'm several years away from having one of those.

By the way, just looked at the flickr pics of you paint job, I love it, outstanding work!!!

Lady Ridesalot said...

ROTFLMAO! My favorite was #13. I've read Dave Barry's column before and he is a pretty funny guy. Thanks for sharing the laugh.

word verification: "derryeur" For real!

Ann said...

That was a riot! Thanks for using the post title to warn us!

I will have to have a colonoscopy eventually as there is a history of colon cancer in my family. I'm not looking forward to the 'nuclear laxative'. WTF?!

Mr. Motorcycle said...

'm glad you were all able to find humor in poopy talk.

Dean "D-Day" said...

Dave Berry is a great writer. I love someone who can write with a dry critical sense of humor.

I have a standard comment that I throw at doctors and nurses right before medical prodedures. I always say, "Now, we're not going to hurt each other, are we?!" It's just my reminder to them that they better be very careful with my body. My wife tells me it's not wise to "threaten" them right before they come at me with a needle or scalpal. I just figure that if I'm going to let them violate my body, they need to know the status of our relationship up front.